Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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