made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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