you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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