I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We're too hungover to prance.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
