from now on my penis is your penis
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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