went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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