When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
