I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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