Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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