I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
