you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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