At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have fence marks all over my body
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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