My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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