Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
