I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize