Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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