Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
