dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
