So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
