im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
