Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
