its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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