I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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