i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize