i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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