my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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