the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
