I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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