nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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