I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
