Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
