the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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