and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
