I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
