How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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