I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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