i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
