Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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