So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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