Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
