I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
