It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
