I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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