Your face is a jimmy john
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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