i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Enjoy the penises
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
