I wish I could punch you in the face.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
