Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
