i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
