I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
