OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So many bounce houses so little time
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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