Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
wow bdsm is so cute
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
