a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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