I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
