and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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