You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
