i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
