I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
