Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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