So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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