I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
