i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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